


I Broke And You Watched Me Crumble

by SHFanFics



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: 7x16, 7x16 Fix-it, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/M, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, I hope you enjoy what I write when im depressed lol, JRoth is a dick, Love Confessions, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trigger warning slight eating Disorder, fuck jroth, kinda depressing though, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:27:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26985904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SHFanFics/pseuds/SHFanFics
Summary: An attempt at a 7x16 fix-it in which, transcendence is a choice and most chose to try live peaceful lives rather than give up. Also they have no rules about having children or what happens when they die, they just know they get to be happy. Well, at least it should've been that way.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake & Madi, Bellamy Blake & Nathan Miller, Bellamy Blake & Octavia Blake, Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Clarke Griffin & Madi, Clarke Griffin/Raven Reyes, Emori/John Murphy (The 100), Eric Jackson/Nathan Miller, Madi/Luca, Madi/Raven Reyes, Minor Becho - Relationship, Octavia Blake/Clarke Griffin, Octavia Blake/Levitt
Comments: 14
Kudos: 96





	I Broke And You Watched Me Crumble

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys so like first of all please head the warnings / tags, I don't wanna upset anyone! Secondly I hope you enjoy my piece but it's kinda depressing with a hopeful ending. Might do an epilogue that's a lot happier if y'all want. But for my regular fans, you guys know that angst is what I do best so here it is. If you're waiting for updates on my other two stories I'm so sorry like genuinely I know I'm horrible but I'm trying get them done!!! Anyways I hope you what I wrote when I was depressed about bellarke and was craving a good angsty 7x16 fit and couldn't find one :)

After all this time she couldn’t believe this is what her life had come to.

Alone. Once again. Alone

Well except for a dog who was now running away from her but who was she kidding, the dog would be dead in 10 years max anyways and then she’d be completely alone was again. She felt like she did after praimfaya minus the physical burns and scars which had now been replaced with deeper emotional ones. However, when praimfaya hit and she was left alone, she still had hope. Almost daily, that feeling seemed to waiver but something deep inside made her keep fighting in hope of one day seeing her friends again, seeing _him_ again. Now that was impossible.

She had nothing left to live for, they’d all transcended and she was left to pay the price of humanity’s sins. It was kind of poetic in a cruel way, _Wanheda_ , the Commander of Death, left to be the last human to ever roam the Earth. No rest for the wicked, she supposed. After all that, she’d now face her greatest punishment of all, living with herself. Maybe it’d be better if she just ended things now. What would be the point of continuing this tragic life if all the people she’d loved were already dead or turned into golden light beings. There was nothing left for her to do.

“Picasso!” She yelled running out of the forest and towards the water and shore. ”Picasso!” She yelled looking around and growing more desperate. “Picasso? Please come back, I don’t want to be alone!” She screamed to the nothingness growing more and more panicked. “I don’t want to be alone.” She whispered to the foggy water, as the realization was starting to set in.

“You’re not.” A familiar voice behind her says suddenly. Clarke whipped around and gasped. It was Lexa again, well not Lexa, more like a light being wearing her face. None of this made sense to her if she was being honest.

“What do you want?” She asked bitter and sad.

“To explain.” She said as the two start to walk the length of the shoreline.

“There’s no need. I get it. I bare it so they don’t have to. Again.” Clarke looked at her feet sadly as she felt a heavy weight tugging on her heart. She was still trying to seem strong but it hurt so badly.

“Such a curious species, you’ve added so much to us already. I’m glad to have been wrong about you.” Said Lexa and Clarke’s heart jumped.

“Wait, does that mean, you’re here to take me with you?” She asked approaching a semblance of hope.

“No, you can never join us Clarke. Your actions must have a cost.” And with that, her last bit of hope was crushed.

“Just mine? Am I the only human being who ever sinned?” She asked bitterly because frankly it wasn’t fair. She knew she was no saint but surely she couldn’t be the only human being not worthy of saving. _Right?_

“Of course not. You are the only test subject from any species anywhere in the universe, since the dawn of time who committed murder during a test.” Spoke Lexa plain and simply.

“I’d do it again.” She said right away, almost reflexively. In hindsight, maybe it wasn’t the best thing to say to the being that she was trying to convince she was still worthy of saving but she would never bring herself to show any remorse for her actions. If she knew one thing, it was that she made the right choice with Cadogan even if she’d now spend the rest of her life paying for it.

“Madi knew you’d say that.” Clarke’s heart fluttered.

“Madi’s with you then?” At least she’d get to know her daughter was at peace.

“She made her choice. She made it clear she wasn’t going to leave you anytime soon.” That didn’t make any sense to her but she kept on asking anyways.

“Transcendence is a choice? You can choose to come back?” Clarke furrowed her brow at this new information.

“Of course, though until now no one ever had.” Lexa said with a smile on her face, leaving Clarke still dumbfounded.

It was then when she heard it. A sound she’d so faintly remembered and had been so sure she’d never hear again. Laughter in the distance. _She wasn’t alone._ Not just anyone though, she knew that voice anywhere, it belonged to a friend, a sister. Her head whipped around while sounds of Raven’s laughter echoed through the trees.

“Hey there she is!” Murphy yelled pointing towards her.

“Clarke!” Niylah called out to her smiling and happy.

“A curious species indeed.” She heard Lexa’s voice behind her but by the time she looked back to ask what was going on, she was gone.

Clarke turned back to the picture in front of her. In front of her lay her friends, her family. Jackson and Miller starting up a fire, Murphy and Emori roughhousing by the water and _Madi_. Tears were welling up in her eyes. Madi was there, happy and healthy, alive and running around as Raven chased her around the rocks. It was her family, but not just her family. Just past them were hundreds of other people. Men, woman and children alike littered the ground. The people from Sanctum, the Disciples and even the Elligus prisoners. They were all here and although Clarke would have expected war in front of her, that wasn’t the case. In fact it was quite the opposite.

Everyone was smiling and laughing, intermingling and building together. _Together_. Even the thought of that word broke her heart. It wasn’t time for that right now though, she tried to push those thoughts away as she ran to meet her family. She jumped into Murphy and Raven’s arms as the tears streamed freely down her cheeks. She let go of her friends and ran to her daughter who was up in her arms and smiling in seconds.

“You-You’re okay?” She asked pulling her head away to meet Madi’s eyes.

“I’m okay.” The younger girl smiled and nodded. Clarke let her eyes run over her face, still unbelieving that this could be possible after seeing her daughter paralyzed on another planet mere hours ago.

“I’m so happy you’re okay.” Clarke sobbed pulling her back into her arms while Madi nodded into her shoulder. Someone cleared their throat behind the pair.

“Um, sorry to interrupt but Madi a couple of us were gonna play tag. Wanna join?” A boy with light brown hair who Clarke had guessed came from Sanctum, asked. Madi smiled and looked back towards Clarke. She smiled back and nodded.

“Go, just..” she trailed off, “just stay near please. I love you.” She said pressing a kiss to Madi’s forehead.

“I love you too.” Called the young girl as she ran away with her new friend. “Luca wait up!” She called after him and Clarke smiled at her brave young daughter who despite all the circumstances, seemed to be okay and even happy. Clarke turned away and went to greet the rest of her friends. She hugged Octavia first, then made her way to Jackson and by the time she’d greeted them all. The brief period of adrenaline caused happiness she felt had long faded.

“You’re all here.” Clarke said somberly. “Why’re you all here?” She asked clearly upset.

“Geez Clarke, I really thought you’d be a little bit more excited to see us.” Murphy joked but Clarke still wasn’t laughing.

“I’m happy to see you all, of course I am but you transcended. It was a choice, the being told me. You chose to stay?” She asked sad and beyond confused.

“Of course we chose to stay, you really thought we were gonna leave you all alone?” Said Octavia matter of factly.

“You shouldn’t have done that. Not for me. You shouldn’t have given it up.” Said Clarke as the tears returned to her eyes once more.

“Clarke you may think you deserved it, but you don’t, you deserve peace.” Jackson spoke softly, placing a tentative hand on her shoulder.

“And besides, clearly we weren’t the only ones who chose to stay.” Raven gestured behind her to the hundreds of others.

“So no one chose to transcend?” Clarke asked with a furrowed brow.

“Well some did,” Murphy started. “But for the rest of us, this is the first time in our lives we get to just live, we weren’t about to give that up now.” He said smiling back down at Emori who was wearing a similar expression herself.

“Now come on, stop moping! This was supposed to be a happy time Griffin.” Raven threw her arm around her shoulder as Clarke nodded and plastered on a smile but the heavy weight in her heart was still there.

“Yeah, you’re right. I just, excuse me, I’ll be back I promise, I think I just need a second to process this all.” She tried to explain as her friends gave her understanding but concerned smiles and nods. Clarke headed back in the direction she came and walked deep into the green of the forest. The silence encased her and the air was getting thicker and harder to breathe. She collapsed against a tree and slid to her knees as she clasped a hand over her mouth to mask the loud sobs she was letting out. She probably sat there crying for less than a minute before she heard a twig snap behind her and was immediately up and in a defensive stance. The sight before her had her heart leaping from her chest.

_He’s not real. He’s not real. He’s not real._

She had to remind herself as she took a deep breath staring at the sight in front of her. She knew what was happening right now, it happened with Finn and the only reason it probably didn’t happen sooner with the man in front of her was because she was too caught up in saving the human race for her mind to play tricks on her. Before her stood a shaved, curly haired boy wearing an Ark’s guardsman jacket and looking way too similar to the boy she lost when praimfaya hit for her liking.

“What do you want?” Clarke asked the ghost in front of her, trying and failing to hide the shake in her voice.

“Clarke.” Said the man staring back at her.

“I said, what do you want!” She yelled back.

“Clarke you shot me.” He said somberly and not once breaking her gaze.

“Damnit don’t you think I know that!” She screamed. “I - I shot you and Cadogan got Madi anyways and you were right about transcendence and I never even got to tell you-” She was sobbing again at this point.

“Clarke is everything alright? We heard yelling.” Called Octavia and both her’s and the ghost’s head whipped towards the girl. Octavia looked between the two and Clarke furrowed her brow. _It was almost as if Octavia could see-_

“Bell, I didn’t know you were out here. Sorry to interrupt guys.” Clarke’s heart started beating at a mile a minute and her breathing became laboured again as she stumbled back and looked between the siblings in horror.

“You- you can see him?” She looked towards Octavia as she gripped onto the tree behind her for dear life. Octavia nodded hesitantly, not quite sure what was going on. She turned back towards the man she had truly believed to be a figment of her cruel mind as the tears in her eyes fell freely.

“You, you’re real? You’re alive?” She asked Bellamy and he gave her a stoic nod.

“No thanks to you.” He spoke coldly and in that moment Clarke wished the Earth would just open up swallow her whole.

“Bell-” Octavia started but he cut her off.

“No O, it’s okay. I’m done here anyways.” He said with finality then turned his back and walked back towards the direction of the group.

“Clarke-” Octavia tried moving towards her but Clarke held up her hand.

“No, it’s okay Octavia. I’m fine, really.” She said. “How is he alive? I- I killed him.” Said Clarke more to the ground than Octavia herself.

“I’m sorry we forgot to mention it, I guess we just got caught up in the moment when we saw you and then you left. The Elligus prisoners saved him believe it or not, brought his body back to the ship and stuck him in cryo. They told us they figured that our doctors could save him when the war was over and it wasn’t worth letting another person die when they could stop it. Our best guess is that it kept him enough alive in order for him to transcend and then he chose to come back like the rest of us. I don’t really understand the specifics but just like Madi was healed, so was he.” She explained and Clarke could feel the thousands of thoughts battling for dominance in her head.

_Bellamy was alive._

_Bellamy was alive and he hated her._

_Bellamy was alive and he hated her and she deserved it._

“Clarke, do you wanna head back. I think they’re starting the bonfire soon and-” Octavia started but Clarke couldn’t hear any of it.

“I just need another minute okay, just head back to the group and, I’ll catch up later.” She said still not meeting the other girl’s eyes. Octavia hesitated for a moment before taking a deep breath, nodding and walking back towards the makeshift camp they’d set up. As soon as Clarke knew everyone was far enough away and she was alone, she let herself go.

She waited for the tears to come, for the heart wrenching sobs but they never did. She felt numb, broken beyond repair. Bellamy was alive, and her family was safe and back with her. By some miracle the biggest mistake of her life had just been undone and yet she still felt numb. She hated this feeling, she didn’t want to feel it anymore. She just wanted to feel something, anything really and so she screamed and swung her fist into the tree and it hurt. She felt something, alas it was pain, but it was something. She swung her fist again and the other one, again, and again, as she cried out, until the trunk of the tree and the shredded skin on her knuckles had turned a vibrant red.

Clarke turned her back to the trunk and let herself collapse once again to the ground. With her laboured breathing and bloody knuckles, she dropped her head between her knees and silently sobbed. She didn’t know how long she sat there, maybe 10 minutes or maybe 2 hours but by the time she willed herself to stand, the sun had began to set. She slowly walked out of the forest and to the waterside where she rinsed the dried blood off her hands as she ignored the stinging feeling coming from the newly broken skin. Clarke looked up and over the water towards the set, it was really quite beautiful, she didn’t remember a time on Earth where she peacefully admired the sunset. That was something people did before the apocalypse, when they had peace, a liberty Clarke herself could never afford.

She walked slowly along the shore and made herself back to the group after that. It was dark by the time she returned so she wasn’t too worried about anyone asking about her hands. As she approached her friends, she could see them huddled around the campfire, all with drinks in their hands.

“Hey! Clarke’s back!” Called out Raven and the heads turned to face her. She didn’t know how long the others had been here before Clarke arrived, but by the way Raven was slurring her words it must have been long enough for someone, presumably Jordan, to whip up a couple batches of Monty’s old moonshine recipe. She quickly scanned the group for Madi praying none of the intoxicated adults were drunk enough to give the young girl any and was relieved when she saw her fast asleep with some of the other kids under a tent they’d set up.

Clarke shot her the best smile she could muster and took a seat between her and Niylah. Bellamy was sitting on the other side of the fire and seemed to be looking everywhere but at her. He was laughing and smiling with his family and she almost took that away from him, she tried to take that away from him. She had no right and yet, she did it anyways. The rest of the night the group of friends sat around the dancing flames as they laughed, and joked and reminisced, all of them but Clarke.

Most of them were too wrapped up in each other or the moonshine to even notice Clarke let alone the way she just stared brokenly towards the ground for the whole evening before excusing herself early to go sleep under one of the tents. Bellamy seemed to have had a great night, completely unaffected by their interaction earlier, and she was happy for him. He deserved that.

She lay for hours underneath the starry sky as she heard the not so distant laughs and loud voices coming from her friends around the fire. She wanted to be there with them, wanted to be happy but she couldn’t get past the simple facts. Bellamy hated her, rightfully so, and the rest of their friends gave up their chance at eternal happiness and peace for her when she didn’t even deserve it. She’d escaped death one too many times to still be alive, maybe she would’ve been at peace if she had truly been alone on this Earth.

Clarke was definitely no stranger to dark thoughts, she’d been at the wrong end of the knife or gun enough times by her own hand to know that. Of course she’d never outright told anyone about this unless one was to count Murphy seeing her during the red sun, or Wonkru seeing her with Madi and Sheidheda but most would claim she wasn’t thinking straight either of those times. Then of course there was the one person she told, _Bellamy Blake_ , but she wouldn’t count that since apparently he never heard her over the radio those 6 years she poured out her heart to him daily. She let herself ponder her thoughts while she finally drifted to a light sleep a few hours later.

…

It happened slowly and overtime, so much so by that by the time Clarke had realized what she was doing to herself, it was too late to stop it. It started off with little things, keeping to herself, eating meals alone, excusing herself to bed early. Then came claiming she wasn’t hungry, she was barely eating at meals, silently crying herself to sleep most nights. Around that time, cabins and more permanent tents had been built.

Madi was staying in a cabin with all the other girls her age from Sanctum so that left Clarke alone in her own cabin. It was around that time where some days it was too hard to get out of bed, or other days she just couldn’t sleep, haunted by her ghosts in the day, and Bellamy in her dreams. He seemed to be doing very well for himself. A good relationship with Octavia and Clarke didn’t know what happened with him and Echo on Bardo but they seemed to be back to normal.

He’d barely spoken to her, let alone looked at her since that first day, always seeming to be somewhere where she wasn’t, she didn’t blame him though. And yet, as selfish as she knew it was, she’d do anything to have him hold her in his arms and mean it just one more time, anything to just remember what that felt like. Madi was usually out and about and that was one of the few things that truly made Clarke smiles still, she was finally having a semblance of a normal childhood. She knew Madi hadn’t meant to leave her alone all the time and she knew Madi loved her greatly, but she was growing up and she didn’t need Clarke to constantly be there anymore.

While everyone else was swept up in their new found peace and their budding relationships, Clarke’s lack of presence at meals or her the way she’d walked around like a zombie most days seemed to have slipped everyone’s minds. She wasn’t upset about this though, if anything she was more thankful. If people noticed, they’d worry even though she didn’t deserve their worry, and the last thing she wanted was to add stress to their know peaceful and happy lives. And so Clarke faded, until she couldn’t take it anymore.

She knew it was selfish. It was selfish and wrong and it was going to hurt Madi but Madi was strong. It was selfish to want to take her own life after they all sacrificed their eternal peace and happiness for her. They’d all given up so much for her and now she was going to go and throw it all away but she didn’t know what else to do. She used to dream about one day having a peaceful and happy future, maybe even if her deepest fantasies a future with Bellamy, but now when she imagined a future for herself she saw nothing.

No Madi, no Bellamy, no house on a hill, no friends, no family, just nothing. Madi had grown close with the other children and always had Clarke’s friends looking out for her, the others all had each other and Bellamy had made it abundantly clear he didn’t care for her at all anymore, let alone need her. So she accepted that and yet, she still couldn’t drop that gut feeling she had. All she wanted was to feel what it was like to be in his arms one last time, no matter how selfish that was, no matter how selfish this whole thing felt.

It had been just over a month of their new lives when Clarke decided it was time. She woke up in the morning and willed herself to get out of bed even though everything in her ached not to. She tried to comb out her hair with her fingers and straighten out her clothes in hope of looking somewhat presentable for her last day. She didn’t want Madi to remember her any different than the mother she had down in the valley after praimfaya.

She got out of her cabin around lunch and made her way towards where she saw Madi standing and chatting with a boy, _Luca_ , she recalled. Maybe one day the two kids would have a future together, maybe Madi could have what she’d always dreamed of, that thought put a small but genuine smile on Clarke’s face.

“Hey Mads, can I talk with you for a second.” She asked softly, hoping not to interrupt anything. Madi beamed towards her, she would miss that smile.

“Sure mom, what’s up.“ _Mom_ , that was another habit that Madi had taken to recently and it wasn’t that Clarke minded because in every sense but biologically she was the girl’s mother, it just made the thought of leaving her hurt that much more.

“You know I love you right baby?” Clarke asks and Madi furrows her brow up at Clarke and lets out a small laugh.

“I know I love you too.” She smiles and Clarke’s heart feels heavy again.

“Madi I just want you to know that I’m so proud of the young woman you’ve become and if nothing else, you are the one thing I’ve done right in my life. I want you to have a good life, Madi, no matter what happens I love you so much.” She says pressing a kiss to her daughters forehead.

“Mom you’re scaring me, are you okay? Are you sick?” She asked a little panicky and frowning. Clarke pulls her in a tight hug and then pulls back and meets her daughter’s gaze.

“No Mads, I promise everything’s okay. I just wanted to make sure you know that just in case anything ever happens to be alright baby?” She says with a tight smile.

“I know and I love you too but we’re safe now, nothing’s happening to you.” The girl smiles sweetly and gives Clarke one last hug before running off to catch up with her friend, completely unaware of the effect the words she’d just spoke had on her mother.

_Nothing’s happening to you._

_Please Bellamy I need you to hear this._

The time those words were uttered between two friends with a budding relationship facing the end of the world, that felt like another life time. So much had happened since she’d been naive enough to hope for even a second that there was a future where they’d get to spend 5 years of peace on a ship together, deepening their relationship. Over the 6 years she was alone with Madi, the way she felt about her Bellamy had never changed. Unfortunately for her, Bellamy did. And yet, even though he changed and even though he was dating someone who she’d believed was an enemy, at his core, he was still Bellamy.

After navigating their rocky relationship back on the ground, things seemed to start looking up for the two of them on a new planet but of course, nothing ever went Clarke’s way. She’d been so close to giving up when she was body snatched and then he saved her, like he always does whether he knows it or not. And so for a second between the chaos, Clarke let herself hope for another moment. Then Bellamy died.

She’d thought it was over for her, she’d thought she’d never be broken again like she had that day. Then Bellamy was alive, and he betrayed her and he let her get tortured and he put her daughter in danger but none of that compared to the feeling of shooting him. Knowing she’d just ended the life of her best friend, maybe even the man she loved, regardless of what he’s done to her, that broke her for good. She wasn’t the same after that. She doesn’t think she’ll ever be the same again even with him alive now, she’s nothing to him and she’d have to live with that but she couldn’t. Everything was wrong and so that’s why she was doing what she had to do. After all these years peace, would be the thing to kill her and Wanheda would finally die by her own hand. But there was still that gut feeling.

_She needed to feel what it felt like to be held by him one more time, even if he resented her for it._

So around dinner time, when the sky was darkening and people seemed to be heading to the fire for the evening, Clarke left her cabin. For the first time in a long time she walked with purpose and dignity. When she arrived a couple people waved to her or said a friendly hello and Clarke did her best to smile back, but smiling was getting harder these days. She’d spotted his curly black hair from where he stood to the side of the fire chatting with Miller.

She walked right up to him and Bellamy didn’t even seem to notice her presence until she awkwardly cleared her throat. He turned towards her meeting her gaze for the first time in over a month and she could’ve sworn she saw his eyes widen for a split second before going back to normal.

“Can I talk to you, privately please.” She asked soft and meekly, so unlike the strong woman she used to be, she barely recognized herself anymore. Miller nodded towards the two and patted Bellamy on the shoulder saying something about catching up later. Bellamy gave her a hesitant nod and she gestured for him to follow her off to a quiet area, on the edge of the forest. When they got there, the two just stared at each other, neither willing to break the silence first. Clarke had rehearsed what she’d say over and over and yet here they were and she had frozen.

“What do you want Clarke?” He asked somewhere between curious and annoyed and she couldn’t blame him for that. She’d shattered their relationship when she’d shattered his heart and now she payed the price.

“I’m sorry Bellamy. I’m so god damn sorry and I don’t expect you to forgive me, god I don’t even want you to accept my apology but I just needed you to know that okay.” She spilled as the tears welled up in her eyes, this was really happening.

“Clarke I- ” He started in his bad news voice but she didn’t want to hear it.

“Please Bellamy don’t. I get it, I know you hate me, you don’t even know how much I hate myself but that’s not why I’m here okay. I just need you to know how sorry I am before-” She cut herself off abruptly. “I just need to do this one more time okay, then I’ll leave you alone.” She said and before he’d even gotten the chance to process what that meant, she’d flung herself into his chest and wrapped her arms tightly around him.

It was worth it, she made the right choice. That was all that all she could think when his arms came to lay tentatively around her. “Please just hug me back.” She practically cried into his shoulder. His arms tightened around her like they used to and he held her close. She knew it wasn’t fair to ask of him, but it was worth it. A couple seconds later he pulled back and Clarke did her best to repress a sob.

“I- I um have to go but thank you Bellamy Blake, for everything.” She whispered softly and then turned and walked away leaving Bellamy standing their dumbfounded.

…

The sky was pitch black now, and she’d written her note to Madi, to her friends and to Bellamy. Nothing to personal but she did her best to convey that it wasn’t their fault. She’d decided awhile ago that a gun shot was the best way to go. A bullet to the brain would be quick and easy and maybe she’d feel a fraction of the pain Bellamy did bleeding out alone with a bullet in his heart, god knows she deserved it. She knew it’d draw attention fast after all their wasn’t much use for fire arms in their peaceful camp, but by the time they found her, it’d be over, she’d finally be at peace.

So Clarke placed the note neatly on her bed, got onto her knees, closed her eyes and placed the head of the gun to her temple. The feeling was all too familiar for her. She’d clicked off the safety, finger on the trigger and…

Three loud knocks echoed throughout her little cabin. She hoped if she ignored whoever it was they’d go away but that didn’t seem to work. Three more heavy knocks and she could’ve sworn she heard some curse under their breath.

“Clarke?” A voice yelled. Her stomach dropped. This wasn’t part of her plan.

“I can’t talk right now Bellamy!” She called back, she couldn’t understand what he was doing outside her door, trying to talk to her.

“Just hear me out please.” He says, desperation finding a place in his tone of voice.

“Now is really not a good time! Please just come back tomorrow.” She says trying to hold in a building sob. He was making this so much more difficult than it had to be.

“It can’t wait, I’m sorry! We need to talk now can I please come inside?” He pleads with her.

“No!” She yells out quickly, “No you can’t come in Bell!” She prays that he listens.

“Fine. Just please listen, at least hear me out.” He asks with a softer tone and she takes a deep breath.

“Ok.” She whispers just barely loud enough for him to hear, gun not wavering from its position.

“I’m an idiot okay? I shouldn’t have been ignoring you the weeks since you got here. It wasn’t fair of me. Of course I can’t exactly forgive you right now but I don’t hate you Clarke Griffin. I don’t think I ever really could even if I wanted to and to be clear I don’t, want to I mean” He sighed. “I get it now in a way, I put you in an impossible situation, betraying your trust, devoting myself to Cadogan and letting you think that I’d endanger Madi ever again. God Clarke, I love that girl and I need you to know I never would’ve let her get hurt. I know now that Cadogan was wrong, his teachings were wrong, what he preaches wasn’t fair even though he wanted to reach transcendence, he did it the wrong way. Look at us after all these years, you relying on your heart to protect Madi and me using my head to try save you. You never did make that easy on me.” He let out a humourless laugh. “Look the point is, I don’t think you made the right choice and I can’t forget what you did but by some miracle we both got another chance and I don’t wanna waste that, not anymore. I don’t know what was going on with you earlier this evening when we talked but having you in my arms, god Clarke I miss it. I miss you and I miss us and I’m so god damn sorry for it all.” He took a deep breathe and lay his head against the wooden door.

On the other side of that girl lay a broken girl on her knees with a gun still pressed firmly against her temple as she let the sobs of emotion overtake her body.

“Clarke? Clarke, can I please come in?” He asked softly. She did her best, she really did but she couldn’t bring herself to form any words as she tried to catch her breathe, close to hyperventilating. “I’m sorry I just need to see that you’re okay and then I’ll leave you be.” He said just before he pushed open the door and froze at the sight in front of him.

“Clarke, please just put the gun down.” He asked calmly trying to kneel down in front of her, the shock and fear apparent on his face.

“Bellamy please just go you don’t need to see this.” She pleads as she squeezes her eyes shut tight and shakes her head.

“Please, you can’t do this. I know it’s hard but I need you to fight it.” He pleads back, tears welling up in his eyes.

“I just can’t anymore, I can’t keep going. I’m useless and I’m broken and you hate me. You should hate me Bellamy I shot you!” She cries back.

“Damnit Clarke! I don’t understand how much clearer I can make this but I need you! I need you like I need air to breathe and if you do this, I will suffocate. I need you Clarke, for fuck’s sake I love you!” He cries, tears streaming freely.

“Don’t Bellamy. Don’t say that.” She chokes out.

“What? That I love you?” He asked frozen.

“Don’t say that when you don’t mean it. Don’t just say that to make me stay. It’s not fair.” She says solemnly.

“Clarke Griffin I’ve loved you since the moment I taught you how to shoot a gun and have continued to love you even after your shot one at my heart. I don’t think anything in the world could ever make me stop loving you and I hate myself for making you feel otherwise. I’m so sorry I’ve never told you but you need to know. A world without you isn’t a world worth living in Why do you think I rejected transcendence? For you, it’s all for you, it’s always been for you and it will always be for you.” He said softly still approaching her cautiously. “Now please just give me the gun.” He pleads once more.

“Bellamy I- I can’t I-”

“Yes you can, just give me the gun. You don’t have to do this alone anymore. You have me. Together Clarke.” He says recalling their forever promise. With that she looks deep into his eyes and gives him an uneasy nod, ignoring the tears falling freely. She takes a deep breath and lowers the gun into his hand.

“Together.” She whispers softly and he takes the gun from her, clicks on the safety and holsters it. She collapses into his arms and he holds her tight lying on the floor of her cabin. He strokes her cheek gently and whispers soothing sweet nothings into her ear while her breathing evens out.

“What now Bell?” She asks quietly into the darkness around them.

“I don’t know, but I have you and you have me. All I know is that I love you and I’m not going anywhere.” It wasn’t much for them but it was enough. That much was clear when Clarke whispered a small,

“Okay.” Into the space around them.

_Okay_

**Author's Note:**

> Tysm for reading and I really hope you enjoyed that! As always comments literally mean is much to me so please lmk what you thought. Also please lmk if you maybe want an epilogue chapter or not idrk? Ily and happy thanksgiving!!! :)


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